another update

[Unregistered]

I am trying. I'm trying so hard. And sometimes I feel like I could do anything for God. Anything. And then there are times when I feel like this. Times when I begin to question myself. When I begin to hurt. And to tell you the truth, and I don't know why I'm hurting so much. Sometimes it's just so much. I just hurt. And nobody knows. Nobody knows because I don't let anybody know. And I can deal with only you guys, Jesus, and my best friend knowing. But I'm just so sick of walking around like somebody else who I'm not. I hate it when I put my "mask" on. It hurts even more when I finally take it off again. But I just want to understand what my problem is. I can't figure it out. I mean, I've had problems, but so has everybody else.
I try to get close to my mom. But she doesn't know Jesus I'm pretty sure. My dad doesn't either. My mom tries to get closer to me, but how can she when she explodes all the time. I'm just so confused and hurt. I don't know how to get rid of these feelings. I told Jesus. But I still hurt.
I came really close to hurting myself today. I thought all the suicide thoughts had gone away. I thought I was better.
God has taught me alot. But sometimes, I just feel lousy. I'm not too sure how to explain it.
I want to thank you guys so much for listening to me. I'm sorry I'm not making much progress. I thought I was for a while.

[grandpa]

:angel: :wah: My Dearest Child: i do not know whether I have answered anything for you in the pase, But, Here goes. I am going through your letter and try to answer as many concerns as possible.

First: We are listening and You are making progress. as long as there is life, Hope is always there. You are very valuable and precious and You matter to us. NOW: Get rid of all thoughts about pulling the plug on your life. We like you and we care about you. Don't be hurting your self. it is painful and dangerous. Dont do that.

Does Mom and Dad have "too much on them"?? Debts, Job Stress, other family problems, ect. Try to be as close to them and talk to them as much as you can. Do you go to Church regularly or Can you go to Church regularly?? You need to if possible.
All people need a loving Church family to lean on if possible. Do you have any school councellors or teachers or any one else that you can unburden to, That will listen and help?

Your first paragraph is over 9 lines long and I really cannot get what is really bothering you. If You are suffering from "depression", this is a clinical illness that must be treated with medication. Most of the time it will not go away by itself. "Depression" is a chemical imballance in the body.

NOW: Do not just go away. Keep us posted. We care about you. Agape. Grandpa.:) :D :biggrin: :cool:

[Marilyn]

I know this isn't the Prayer Board but my answer is to pray for you. Ann and Grandpa have such wisdom and are so adept at guidance. With me it's prayer. I hope you don't mind. I know in my heart that the Lord has His finger on Your life. I know that He has plans that include a healthy mind and a joyful spirit for you.

Father, smile down on this gentle heart today. Release Your Spirit to flow into this life in a powerful way. Let Your love permeate this soul to its very depths. Open these precious eyes to the Truth You want to share. Minister to every need. in Jesus' name.

Jesus knows. He knows the hurt. He knows the loneliness. He knows the isolation you feel. And He STILL thinks you're worth it. He loves you so deeply. Hear Him. Hear Him as He tells you how much He wants to share with you. Hear Him when He tells you that the hurt WILL go away as you grow in Him. Hear Him when He tells you that He will NEVER let go of you.

God Bless you!

[Ann]

Hello again
I'm so glad you keep posting.
There is a lady who was very special to me when I was starting to really try to walk with Jesus. Her name is Sarah. She had come from a family with a lot of problems and abuse and almost no closeness and because of many hurts she was still recovering but at the same time she was the strongest example I had of Jesus love and power. Not because she was all well and perfect but because she wasn't and still loved and served Jesus anyway. I suppose today someone would say she had post traumatic disorders with a bipolar tendencies and major anxiety complexes and self destruction. Such a lot of words. I only knew she had more guts than just about anyone I'd ever met.

I am telling you about Sarah because in some things you remind me of her. "sometimes I feel like I could do anything for God. Anything. And then there are times when I feel like this." The mountain top and the valleys. There is a scripture that God gave to her in song that really ministered to me and still does maybe I can share with you a little of what I learned from her about it. It is Isaiah 40:1-8
Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God.
Speak ye comfortably to Jerusalem, and cry unto her, that her warfare is accomplished, that her iniquity is pardoned: for she hath received of the LORD'S hand double for all her sins.
The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the LORD, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low: and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain:
And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together: for the mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.
The voice said, Cry. And he said, What shall I cry? All flesh is grass, and all the goodliness thereof [is] as the flower of the field:
The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: because the spirit of the LORD bloweth upon it: surely the people is grass.
The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand for ever.

God is speaking comfort to His people. His comfort is to you. This is the comfort He has for you. The war is over. You can still feel the war sweeping around you but Christ has won your victory. Your life feels like a wilderness sometimes but in that wilderness a way is being prepared for Jesus. It will be a safe sure road even though it goes through dry places sometimes. Now there are great peaks and deeper valleys but God will smooth His way in you, The valleys (the sad down desperate times) will be exalted they will come up as you see Him working in you. The high mountains when you are sometimes so up you scare yourself will not be so high but they will still be filled with Jesus. He is making a safe sure level road in you. God's glory will be seen in you and even you will see it. Not all at once but little by little. Not a huge disruption or exploson but a sure and steady work God is doing in you by His Holy Spirit.

This work does not depend on human effort (flesh that is as grass) nor will it be stopped by flesh (your own human failings). It depends on His own word working in you. All the things that seem so unbearable are as the grass that is today and tomorrow is not. They come they go but God is forever and you are forever in Him.

He will teach you more and more to let Him regulate the thermostat, the flow, the altitude at which you live your life in Him. He will do it. He does not expect you to be perfect, not all at once anyway. He just wants you to choose to focus on Him especially when everything in and around you seems to want to give it up and either crawl in a small hole somewhere or lash out and hurt yourself, He understands. He cares. And He is helping you.

I told you Sarah had more guts than anyone I knew. It takes a lot of guts to keep walking when every wind seems to be blowing against you. It takes guts to keep living when inside there is something crying out for you to end it all. It takes guts to turn that awful pain into something that can somehow help others. To see someone else in pain and say I understand because I've been there, matter of fact I am there. But I have chosen to walk with Jesus through it. Some days it may not feel like I will make it but Jesus says I will. My feelings lie sometimes. God's word is always true. I choose to believe His word. I won't be a casualty on this life battlefield and I won't let you be a casualty either.

As I read your posts I see some of that same guts in you. So I know that you can make it too. If I told you it would be easy that would be a lie. But it does get easier the more you walk it through in Jesus. You build up a bank acount of your own experiences in God, of seeing in your own life how true His word has been. You build up a store of mornings that really did come after rough nights. You can look back and say I made it through last Tuesday with God's help, He got me through last week, last month, last year. That helps to build your confidence that God's word is really working in your life.

And you can keep praying for your mom. She needs Jesus too. God may let you be the one to share that gift with her or He may just let you be delighted when someone else is sent to do it. Her explosions are just symptoms of the needs in her own life. You can love her through them, God will show you how even while He is also showing you how not to get shattered when the explosions come. God will also lead you to some people who are more predictable and who have experience walking in His word so you can learn from them. As Grandpa said a good church can be a big help.

Please keep posting, email too if you want to. We are praying and believing for and with you and we really want to know how you are doing. God be with you and I know He is.