Am I in the way?

[luluoshun]

Background Info

I am almost to the end of a relationship with someone who I love and he loves me. We met last October and hae not separated since. There have been times when he would emotionally pull away, but without explanantion. When we met neither of us were saved. He said that he was dating and I told him I was not sure what I wanted other than platonic friendship. So it began. Until we realized that we enjoyed each other a great deal. Much of our time was spent at my place. We went out a few times. His reasoning was that he thought it was embarassing to be seen with different women. I thought it odd, but didn't think more on the subject because I was not looking for commitment.

Around Christmas time I noticed an extreme withdrawal on his part. I then guessed he must have chosen to be with someone. Now this relationship was not a physical one, in my opinion, because we had been intimate twice since October. To date we have been intimate 8 times. I know keeping track maybe weird but for me it is a barometer for the level of physicalness in the relationship.

I finally got him to sit down and talk with me about what was going on. In short, he had chosen to be with someone else, but for the following reason(s): his son was attached to her, and he felt his son needed a mother (his son is 15/16 years old and his mother died about 1and 1/2 years ago.) She has two sons, 7 and 14 and their father is not in their lives except monetarily. He said he has to raise these boys into men. Yet, he has two other children, a girl who is 21 (whom he walked out on at the age of 7) and a son who is 15 and lives with his mother. He and this son have a very poor relationship. His other reason is that it is about timing. He states that if he had met me one month before her he would be marrying me. And that it is easy to love her because she is beautiful. I am an attractive woman, as beauty standards go she is the more attractive. I can not speak to her personality because what I know of her I get from him.

Not once has he said that he loves this woman, he says he cares for her and admires her. He has told me that he loves me and feels passion for me and this is evident so he had no need in telling me. When I see them together they appear in that way just together not united. (Side bar)

He also states that he is marrying her for her not for him. It sounds as if he wants to be a hero. He has had to only help me one time (with my car, one of four things he said he will help anyone with). Once he helped me he says it felt really good to help me.

Now it is April and two weeks ago he called her up and said let's get married on your birthday. His reason was he needed to do something with his life. About four days later he calls me and asks me if I think that men really want to get married. He then starts having thoughts that let me know that this decision may not be one he truly wants. He states that God forbid anything happens to her, the next week he would marry me. Compliment or disturbing?

He and I have spoken everyday, no less than twice, since we met. Now he has told her that he speaks to me everyday, and that he wants me to the wedding. I don't know how to feel about this.

My question is this has God spoken to him (rhetorical) and how do you differentiate bwtween God's reasoning and your own? Should I attend this wedding? He has told her that we are friends, but he and I know the feelings are deeper. We attend the same church. Is this something I should put myself through or should I not attend? I don't see how important it is for me to attend under the circumstances. I don't want any dissappointment or sadness to show on my face and I don't want her to be uncomfortable. I say that because when we (all three of us) are in the same place, he leaves her to come to me. I am not sure of his intent. Maybe this is all just an ego boost for him and I am the pawn. But I just would like another's opinion, an opinion that is spiritually based. Thank you for any help that you can offer.:confused:

[Ann]

Hello luluoshun
Run do not walk out of this relationship. Yes, if it is anywhere near as you say you are being used to build his ego and possibly in other worse ways.

This is going to sound really hard but sometimes reality shock helps. This man is using you for sex which you both know is wrong outside of marriage and then showing up in church like nothing is wrong. He is keeping you on a string like an emotional yoyo. He is telling you that you and he are friends but friends do not treat each other this way.

If he were asking it would make sense to get into some of the whys and wherefores of his other relationship. He isn't. and there is nothing appropriate for you to do about that. If the woman he is marring knows how he has been acting and marries him she is seriously in need of prayer but that too is not an issue for this board because she is not asking either.

Ask God to forgive you and cleanse you from your wrongdoing, Renew your relationship with Christ, If He is not your Savior living in your heart invite Him in today (see www.ilovejesus.com/worship/light-in-ga/gift.html for more about what that means and how to do it.). Put as much space as possible physically, emotionally, and spiritually between yourself and this man. Do not talk to him other than a very impersonal hellp or God bless you. Do not take phone calls from him. Do not even open letters or email. The Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 2:22 to flee lust. That means get up and run in the other direction as fast as you can. The Bible also says in James 4:7 we are to submit to God resist the devil and he will flee from us. Step 1: Submit to God. Acknowledge that God's ways are right and His word is true. Admit sin. Come to Christ for cleansing. Make God's word the standard for our lives. That means getting into the Bible and learning what it says and it means that when our feelings say one thing and God says something else we do what God says. Step 2: Resist. We resist by doing what we know is right, by avoiding opportunities to do wrong, and by praising God out loud and in our hearts, by surrounding ourselves with music and other things that help us concentrate on God not on temptation and by finding other things to do in place of the things that have been cues to sin. That may mean washing the kitchen floor a 3rd time to keep busy rather than watch a romance show that makes us want to be romanced in the wrong way. Step 3: The devil will flee. When the devil starts fleeing don't stop him. Don't do anything to reactivate the temptations. Don't hang out in the old places and with the old people. If it becomes a problem to you to see these two at church or if this maintains too much of a connection for you it might be a good idea to visit another church for a while too. That's drastic but this relationship has been like a disease. Surgery is drastic but it often helps aviod death.

In all this God will be with you and help you if you will ask Him to. As you cooperate with the Holy Spirit in cleansing and rebuilding your life from this He may show you other things, spiritual and emotional ties etc. that you need to break in Jesus name. Please don't be afraid. Life is much much better God's way and His blessings and especially the blessing of His presence with you and His love are much better than anything apart from Him.

Please post again and let us know how you are. God bless you.

[grandpa]

:angel: Hi Mizz Luluoshun: Mizz Ann's First line is right on Target. I am a man and I say "Get totally away from anything to do with this man". You do not need him or anything to do with him. He has not been any real help to you in the past and there is no future with him. You may think about moving away to get away from his influence.

Please let us know in the future how you are doing. The purpose of this board and members is to be as positive and helpful as posible. May the Lord Bless you Greatly. Agape. Grandpa. :) :D

[luluoshun]

Thanks Grandpa and Ann for your reply in honesty. I have emotionally detached. He however has declared me his friend for life. No matter how many times I have dismissed him, in truth, in anger, not being kind, with kindness he keeps coming back.

He just bought me a scanner. Something I needed/wanted but told him not to buy that I would purchase it myself. He did not listen.

I guess my bigger issue is that I am not feeling as secure in my new church home as I used to. THey called for members to help paint the church two Saturdays in a row. The first Saturday no one showed up. The second Sat. it was two men and myself. I got looks and hesitation by these men as if I didn't belong there. So I asked them if only men were supposed to show up? They say they call for the men but women can come. I said I didn't hear anyone say that. Nonetheless we painted two thirds of the church that morning. The church is steeped in tradition, and adheres strictly to the bible. It appears that there are definite roles for the men and for the women. How do you assume a role without feeling like you lose yourself or is that the point, to lose yourself? There is more but it is hard to get it all in at once.


I have been trying to understand the idea of submission. I have submitted myself to Jesus and learning to live in the word. But how do I transfer that in daily living?

Keep talking to me I appreciate what you have to say.

One question Ann, you said that I was feeding his ego in other ways-can you clarify?

[grandpa]

:angel: Hi Mizz luluoshun again: Grandpa here:
First I do not think you are "in the way". Some people may be in 'your' way, in such case go around them or get on with your life.

Gift Giving: Receiving gifts from this man may be a way of "Keeping you in line" or "keeping you on a leash". Only you can determine this, just be careful.

Painting the Church: If it was paint day and only 2 men showed up, more women must be needed to pull up the slack. Keep on painting.
"Role Assuming" My dear, if there is a 'need' or if you see something that should be done, "Go Ahead and do it". If someone does not like it, They should be doing "The Thing".

Submision: I may not be able to give a good definition of it but i know what "it" is not.
First: Submision is not leting your self be pushed around or slapped around. It is 'not' allowing yourself to be used a rug or a door matt. No one should abuse you or kick you around.

Final: In my first post, I ask if you could move. If not and you want this man to let you alone, You may need someone else to tell him to stay away from you. You do not need him in your life. Go places where there are other nice single men.
May Jesus bless you. Agape. Grandpa.:) :D

[luluoshun]

Thank you grandpa and Ann for your advice and all of it is on point. I am not able to move at this point, because I just moved here last June. My sister passed away this year. My daughters father left the year before and making changes yet again just doesn't seem like something I can do right now, money wise or emotionally.

Yes he is trying very hard to keep me near him. But I have lost or am losing affection for him because of his actions and alot of what he says.

I am not able to change churches because this is the only church where I am at of this belief.

I will keep you posted on my walk with Christ as I grow. Thank you once again.

[Ann]

Hello again Luluoshun
It sounds like there have been a lot of changes in your life. The One who will never change or go away is Jesus. He will never leave you or forsake you. I know you know that and are learning it more each day. And that is the key to getting through the other stuff isn't it?

It is hard to say no to a gift when it is something we want and need but sometimes we have to do that. There can be too many strings and holds that go with it. This would be the case with anything else from this man. You already have accepted the scanner and so unless as you pray God says to give it back or otherwise get rid of it you can just make that the last thing that you accept from him. Of course if you are having no contact with him that will probably take care of that anyway. You had asked if he was using you to feed his ego and I had said that he was using you for that and probably for other things, meaning that he used you to fulfill his physical wants and was also probably using you to give himself the sense of being in power or control over someone else (kind of playing you like a puppet on a string) and also possibly in a sense of having a religious hold on you also. Anyway that should resolve as you eliminate him from your life. The reason for ending the relationship is not just that you are tired of being hurt and used but also that it does not glorify God and you have chosen that you want your life to please God. One thing to remember is that women usually equate sex with closeness and emotional involvement and a degree of committment. Many men do not especially when they are not really waklking with the Lord. Women also tend to see a gift as an expression of affection and men sometimes see it as an expression of control or power. On the other hand women sometimes use men too to satisfy emotional needs even when they really know there is not true match and as a source of gifts and other material things. Men on the other hand see accepting a gift as saying they have a place in your life and a right to some control and contact and in many cases a right to physical reward. Unless we understand these diferent perspectives we can send inaccurate signals and get and give hurt without necessarily meaning to do so.

Walking out submission to the Lord and to His designated authorities on earth is a life long challenge for all of us. The first and most important part is to desire to be in right relationship with God and submitted to His will. The next thing is to know that 100% of the time God's will will agree with His word in the Bible. 100% of the time no exceptions. All other submittedness comes secondary to that. As you continue to pray and grow God will continue to lead and guide you. For example you know the word says you shall not bear false witness. In real life that works out to things like when you and a neighbor are talking and she says you know so and so is doing this thing wrong you do not agree unless you know it s true and you do not tell it to someone else even in the sense of Mrs. __ said so and so is doing this I wonder if that's true. In the same way we know we are not to steal so if we get a dollar too much change oin the store we give it back even if we really need the money because we know it is not rightfully ours. This is also a matter of faith and trust. If we know that God will supply all our needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Phillippians 4:19) we know that we do not need to take the extra change because He will give us what we need in a right way. I'm sure you can come up with many more examples. It is much the same in church authority. If we know God placed us in a church and the church leadership is walking according to God's word we know we can do what we are asked to do. If the leadership is not walking according to the word we need to pray and ask the Lord to show us if we are there as a prayer warrior to lift them up until they make the right choices and go according to the word or if it is time to seek another church even if it is a different type or denomination.

We also know that being in submission means not being in "gripe and complain". There is a harmony in submission. When I was first married there were times when I would do what my husband said only because I knew God's word said to submit but inside I was anything but happy and agreeable. Of course I was miserable inside and not too pleasant to be around. It did not take too long for the Holy Spirit to convict me about this and show me that I was the one making me miserable. That is not real submission. It may be obedience. It may be subjugation. Submission is a gift we give to God and to our husband and to other authority set up in God. It is not something demanded of us or forced on us. We are not prisoners doing something because we have to. We are freely yielding and doing what we should do because we want to please God and to please the people we love and respect. We also know that the Bible teaches us to be in submission to our own husband (Ephesians 5:22 & 24, Collossians 3:18, Titus 2:5 and other verses) The emphasis being on own. This means that as a woman you are not expected to submit to everything a male asks of you on the basis if his being male and you female. The submission is to the same man who is told to love and care for you as Christ does the church (Ephesians 5:25) and who has made a life committment to you and you to him in holy marriage. God does not sanction living together outside marriage nor a physical relationship outside of marriage. This is something that one can not do and be submitted to God. In some instances there are cases where a male is to submit to a female in authority: sons to their mama for example, employees to a boss at work, men in a church setting to a woman who has been placed in charge of some department or activity.

You also mentioned the area of male and female roles in the church. Every church tradition has its ways and customs. In one sense I agree with Grandpa that if there were only two men they definately needed some females to show up and work. But I have lived long enough and been part of enough different fellowships to know that life can be easier if one finds out what the traditions and customs are and goes along wiith them to the extent that they do not go against God's word or things that He has told you to do that you know are in agreement with His word. The easiest way to find out may be to simply ask either the pastor's wife or a woman you respect and relate to what the custom and practice is in that church.

God be with you as you walk with Jesus. We'll be looking forward to hearing from you again soon.

[luluoshun]

You know Ann, I had once before refused the scanner because I thought that it would just give us another reason to be together/see each other. I told him this. Then last week he cam and presented me with the scanner. I know that he is doing alot to either keep me single or within his reach. I will pray on returning the scanner. Thank you for all of your insight. It is helpful. God Bless.

[Multimom]

luluoshun:

Sounds awfully like he's trying to string you along so that he can keep you on the side after he marries this other woman.

I'm with Ann, RUN don't walk to the nearest exit. Quit taking his calls, don't answer the door, get caller ID and screen your calls or do the same with an answering machine. Don't have conversations with him in public or in private and let yourself heal before you move on into a new relationship.