Coping with Infertility

[Jen98]

I came here looking for help. My husband and I starting trying to have a baby 2 years ago this Christmas. We had 1 miscarriage a year and a half ago, and since then no luck. I am having a hard time getting in the Christmas spirit.
I am looking for faith, because I can't help but feel that God has forgotten my prayer. We go to church every week, and pray every day. We are emotionaly and financially ready for a baby, and nothing. My 15 yr old cousin just had a baby, and my 18 year old nephew's girlfriend is having a baby in Feb. Why does God bless them with miracles, but forget those of us that truely want this. With millions of abortions every year I just don't think it's fair. I have been depressed for the past month. I cry everyday on my way home from work, I hate feeling this way, but nothing seems to help. My husband is having a hard time understanding. I am just at a loss.
How can I have faith when I feel so empty?
Please help,
Jen

[Ann]

Hello Jen
I understand from personal experience the longing for a child that one has not been able to concieve and carry. The whys I can not answer. Sometimes there are physical, circumstantial, or spiritual reasons, sometimes there seems to be no reason. And the why's can drive you crazy and make the sorrow worse. That's something I know that you already know.

I can only share with you what the Lord showed me and let you decide if it is useful to you. I found that it was not helpful to me to focus continually on what I did not have. I didn't stop longing for a child. I did refocus gradually so that the most important thing in my life was Christ again and after that my husband and not that emptiness and longing. As I did Jesus showed me ways to reach out and help children other than my own. Many couples find adoption is their answer or being foster parents. That was not the answer for us except to foster informally at times but it could be for you. A while back I heard a segment of Focus on the Family about the "Snowflake Adoption Program" which helps people who cannot conceive to "adopt" a frozen embryo which might otherwise be destroyed. The program works a bit like IVF except that the embryo is not genetically related to the parents but is carried by the adoptive mom just as any other pregnancy. Obviously this is an answer only if the mother's body will accept and sustain a pregnancy. You may already be acquainted with this program. If not here are some web sites that will give you more information.
http://www.christiantimes.com/Articles/Articles%20Aug01/Art_Aug01_06.html
http://www.wrtl.org/PressReleasesjuly.html
http://www.discovery.org/news/shouldHumanEmbryosBeAdopted.htm

I know that it is painful to want something as much as you and your husband want a child and not have it happen (at least not yet). If our focus centers only on what we do not have we multiply our pain and minimize any possible joy. In most human lives there are opportunities to make a choice whether to believe that God is good and cares about us even if He does not give us what we want or to become angry with Him because we don't get what we want. Adam and Eve had to make such a choice about a piece of fruit and made the wrong decision. Their decision was not just eating the fruit. It was deciding that God did not really want the best for them, that He was just a meanie and witholding something they should have. You are at that kind of choice place now. The devil's "tape recorder" is trying to flood your mind with character assassinating thoughts about God. It is your decision whether you will listen and agree or replace the tape with one that talks about God's goodness, righteousness and love. If you want to change the tape one way to start is to make a list of the things God has done for you starting with salvation. Another way is to find ways you can express His love to others. That will help with the Christmas blues too. Every welfare dept and almost every school in the country is getting last minuite requests right now from folks who waited until after the Christmas help list was closed before they asked for help. Maybe you could do something for those children, or for parents spending Christmas eve and day in a hospital waiting room. If the whole area of children still hurts too much to do that now a nursing home or hospital can tell you about an older person who almost never has a visitor. Your pastor may know someone in the church who will be alone and lonely or someone who could use a "secret angel". These are not just Christmas day needs, many families and older people need help always to survive, others just need to see a friendly face sometimes. Most communities have a volunteer bureau often connected to United Way. In smaller places the newspaper, school, or even the poliece chief can tell you how to help someone.

I'll be praying for you and your husband, Jen.

[Multimom]

Jen:

2 questions.

1. Have you consulted your doctor?
2. What predictor methods are you using?

Pretty much everyone here knows I have a gazillion kids (actually only 6) and believe it or not 3 of them were one time conceptions.

I want to help if I can. Are you trying medical methods or are you relying on the old fashioned kind. If you are relying on the old fashioned kind let me know and maybe I can offer some advice.

[Lee]

although more times than none we all tend to feel we know more about what we need and when we need it than than the potter himself. The only thing that will prove faith or hope is the ability to wait!We as christians are daily examinning our walk with God to make sure we are continually fufiling his will in word deed and in truth and when we have a good conscience toward him, all that is left to do is wait!!! And i believe one of the most powerful things you can do while you wait is to reach down deep in your heart and be Thankful for all that you have in this life, but most of all the promise of eternal Life!!!" Delight thyself in the lord and he will fufill all the desires of your heart".

[Jen98]

Thanks for your responses everyone. I am glad that I came here.
Multimom- To answer your questions. We saw a doctor up until last July. He gave us a 3% chance of conceiving on our own due to my PCOS and my husbands low count. We were discouraged by all the bad news and decided to just wait and see when the Lord would bless us, but it has not been easy.
The only thing I keep track of is what cycle day I am on. My cycles last 5-6 weeks though, so it is hard to keep track. Any help you have is soo appreciated.

Lee- your words helped to put me to peace. I am at the point now where I know that when we get pregnant is not up to me. Only the Lord knows when it is meant to happen. And like Rachael and Sara before her, God will someday open my womb if it be his will.

Let the Lord bless you for all of your help ladies!

Jen

[Multimom]

Jen:

I understand. Calculating an odd cycle can be very frustrating. Also a low count doesn't mean non-existant. There are many "tricks" of the trade out there. If you want you can send me a PM through the board and I'll offer up as much "information" as I can.

I know that fertility treatments are very expensive and are certainly no guarantee.

But this morning aside from everything above, I wanted to encourage you and so this is how I will.

I Samuel 1:17 Then Eli said, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant your petition which you have asked of him."

Vs 20 and Hannah became pregnant and in due time bore a son and named him Samuel (Heard Of God) because she said, I have asked him of the Lord.

Vs 27 For this child I prayed and the Lord has granted my petition made to him.

Know that God knows your heart and in due season he will answer you. Until then rest in him knowing that he has kept every tear you have cried and saved them for the day of resurrection.

[SweetM]

What is a "one time conception"? (I feel silly asking because the answer seems obvious.)

I just wanted to let you know that what you posted to Jen blessed me too.
For just over six years I was a single mom, my daughetrs father and I never married, he chose before she was even born not to be involved in her life. When I was 3 months pregnant with her, I recommitted my life to Christ and because of that choice decided to be celibate till marriage. Teresa(my daughter) and I started praying for a husband for me that would be a father to her as soon as she was old enough to ask why she didn't have a daddy.We also prayed for brothers and sisters for T (of course I explained to her that marriage had to come first)
Last year, I had a routine exam during which my doctor said my uterus felt enlarged and sent me to get an ultrasound to check it out. After numerous tests it turned out that what she was feeling were one of two large borderline malignant ovarian tumors. When I went in in May to have them removed, I had to give consent for my doctor to give me a complete hysterectomy if she felt it was necessary for my safety. I was terribly scared not only that my dreams of future children may be lost but also my dreams of marriage, because I felt that no man close to my age would want a sterile woman.
I was already talking to Keith regularly and when I let him know everything that was going on he assured me that he felt God wold preserve my fertility but even if He had a different plan he (Keith) was still ready to pursue a relationship.
I was blessed to be able to keep a portion of my right ovary and my uterus and Keith and I married in February of 2002. I am so blessed to finally have the Godly man that T and I prayed for all of these years.
When we found out I was pregnant in the beginning of April we were all overjoyed and now we are left looking for answers as I found out on Wednesday we would lose this pregnancy. I'm up right now because I can't sleep. I have to go in for a d&c this morning because my body wasn't realizing on it's own that the baby was lost.
I am looking for answers now. I am still trusting God. I am also grieving, wondering why this happened and wondering like Jen why some women who don't even seem to care are so easily blessed and others have to struggle and wait for the desire of their hearts.
Boy that was a longwinded post. I said all of that just to let you know what an encouragement it was to see your post to Jen. Thank you for reminding me what a mighty God we serve.

[Ann]

Hello Maria
You can be as longwinded as you want any time you want. We love you and are praying with you and for you - all of you.

Sometimes there are no answers. There is only Jesus.